I’m Just so Tired of this…

I’m supposed to do a deeper dive into friendships and relationships when we transition out of our communities. I’m not sure I can right now.

I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m tired. I’m scared. I sent my 10 year old daughter off to school this morning when everything in my gut just said:

“keep her home”

“keep her safe”

“keep her close”

I’m exhausted with the violence, the rhetoric, the empty promises, prayers, and thoughts, and that’s just from the preachers who glorify retributive justice through bad theology and even worse interpretation. I’m livid that we live in a society where pro-life is also pro-gun. It’s bullshit.

And, now I have to live through the day with a pit in my stomach until my youngest daughter comes home. A big giant “fuck you” to anyone who believes that the right to own a gun is more important than the right to living.

That’s not very progressive-y Christian or spiritual of me, I know. So, what?

The God I believe in, the one who connects us and relates to us and wants the best for us, has been co-opted by charlatans and abusers.

The God I believe in who seeks creativity and love has been used to justify egregious wealth, retributive violence, and community separation.

The God I believe in, the one who intimately walks with us to offer possibilities for healing and hope, has been usurped and made small by angry white men who fear a loss of power and so snuff out hope for anyone who doesn’t look like them.

I am Psalms and Isaiah angry, overturning tables angry, whipping moneychangers angry. Much of it comes from the grief of these violent events that tear at the fabric of our connections.

A rip in the web of our relationships anywhere, reverberates everywhere.

Most of all, I’m hurt. I feel powerless because my voice seems so small. I feel helpless to do anything of note. I think that’s the hardest part of all of this. I can’t even change the minds of my gun-toting family and college friends. What am I supposed to do now?

Dum Spiro Spero…

It was one of the mottos of my college, The Citadel. A bastion of republican and libertarian thought and action. I lived for four years as a cadet trained to follow orders. Needless to say, I don’t fit that mold anymore. Part of my deconstruction is unwinding four years of everyday indoctrination and continuing to think for myself.

Dum Spiro Spero… While I Breathe, I Hope…

I awoke to a message from my partner in this venture, Janel, who gave me permission to deviate from our script and write what I needed to write… While I Breathe, I Hope.

There was a text message from a friend who is a part of Juniper Formation, a spiritual community that holds a lot of meaning for me, asking if we’re doing okay… While I Breathe, I Hope.

There were countless angry, thoughtful, passionate voices for change from my colleagues in ministry scattered throughout my facebook feed this morning. Eloquent, aghast, pastoral, active… While I Breathe, I Hope.

I hugged my daughter close; told them I loved them; Explored my fear and anger and helplessness with my spouse… While I Breathe, I Hope.

Relationships hold great possibility. Good ones change the world, change our communities, change our lives.

I can’t predict this journey for you, I only know mine will be longer than any other I’ve faced for now.

My only hope is that while you breathe, that you may find some hope.

Here are some resources if you need them:

There’s no one way to address tragedies with children, and how parents approach it depends both on the child’s age and temperament. The American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommend avoiding the topic with children until they reach a certain age — around 8, but again, it depends on the child.

• Prevent children from seeing pictures or the news. Images will stick with children longer than words. The ongoing coverage can cause fear and anxiety that children do not have the skills to process.
• Process your own emotional response away from children if possible. What you do and how you react will impact them more than what you say.
• Pre-school / Kindergarten children should be shielded from the news as much as possible. If you talk with your child about the event, consider a one sentence story.. Keep the story simple. Perhaps you want to let them know that a person with a serious illness felt angry and hurt people. Reassure them that grownups are working to keep them safe.
• Early Elementary children need brief, simple information that should be balanced with reassurances that their school and homes are safe and that adults are there to protect them. Give simple examples of school safety like reminding children about exterior doors being locked, child monitoring efforts on the playground, and emergency drills practiced during the school day.
• Upper elementary and early middle school children will be more vocal in asking questions about whether they truly are safe and what is being done at their school. They may need assistance separating reality from fantasy. Discuss efforts of school and community leaders to provide safe schools.
• Talking to Children About Violence: Tips for Parents and Teachers (nasponline.org)
• Helping your children manage distress in the aftermath of a shooting (apa.org)
• Coping with Violence | NAEYC

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