The Psychology of Community
First things first, I identify as an introvert. I enjoy time alone and gather my energy from solo endeavors like reading, gaming, and writing. However, officially, I’m an ambivert.
Given a preference, I’d be alone or with one other person most of the time. However, I can also handle large groups — speaking, teaching, preaching, etc. — I just need a good nap afterwards.
As someone whose theology and philosophy of the world is grounded in relationship and interconnectedness, my leaning toward introversion has been a source of humor and frustration. I’m fond of telling people that I’m a relational organizer who happens to organize one person at a time.
I’m telling you this because it’s important to be known, to be heard, to be seen. In a world full of digital communities (such as the one we’re trying to build here), finding a place to share, test, and build the stories of who we are among people who are doing the same is vital to our well-being.
According to some recent polls and research about a third of us would describe ourselves as lonely. The number rises the younger you get, peaking at about 60% of young adults feeling lonely or isolated. It’s a staggering epidemic affecting our mental and physical health.
And, to top it all off, the church sucks at creating and sustaining community and building friendships.
So, if you’ve left a church community you might be feeling as though you’re missing something. However, the truth of the matter may be that you’re missing the certainty and predictability of rules and obedience rather than the actual community itself. As many have found, the only concern of those who we would have called friends is they care little for us and more for our ability to follow the rules.
As if faith were somehow built on the stories of the law rather than the spirit of grace. But what else do you expect when the God that is preached is a top-down judge rather than a well-traveled companion? What we need is the model of Jesus on the road to Emmaus, a friend that we can confide in, even when things are confusing and unclear. We need relationships where we can share life together and be heard and seen for who we really are.
So why am I telling you all of this?
The main thing is that community matters. And, community where we are loved, accepted, encouraged, vulnerable, challenged, held accountable and responsible matters even more. It matters more than believing the right thing; it matters more than salvation. I would even venture to say that God doesn’t give a shit about holding the right beliefs. Rather, God cares about how we care for our neighbors as it is a direct reflection of how we care about God and ourselves.
Love God, neighbor, self. They’re relational commandments. They’re meaningful only in that they describe what it means to be in community together. And, it’s not some rainbow and kittens kind of love. It’s tough and thoughtful and vulnerable. It holds us accountable to a standard of care for one another and responsible for how we live that out in the world around us. It sucks and it’s powerful at the very same time.
Because of the way I experience the world as interconnected and interrelated, what I say and do and share matters. How I treat people is reflective of how I believe God loves and responds creatively in my life.
So, back to the beginning. I’m an introvert, so I figure three people is what I need. That is my deep and complex social network. Three people who I will lovingly challenge me to be and do and become better with every step I take.
You may need more, you may need less. We all need others. We all have to be willing to be that other person for someone else as well. Mutuality, reciprocity, dialogue, they all require relationship and relationship is sacred. To become more, we have to be in co-creative relationships. These are spaces where we are allowed the freedom to explore and expand our identities together and form in concert with one another.
We don’t always have to be around others or be in conversation. But for our worlds to become real, they have to be spoken with vulnerability and hope to one another. It’s good for our mental health, good for our physical and emotional and spiritual health as well.
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